Joy is a Subtle Elf

The idea of joy has been a subject of inquiry on the forefront of my mind for the past few years. I find myself now in a strange, ever-foreign place in life. My future is more uncertain than ever. A good portion of the hopes and dreams and plans that have been built up for the past three years, are suddenly out of my grasp, unattainable, and perhaps even void. I have little direction as to what the rest of my life is going to look like in terms of career, residence, etc. So many things are uncertain, yet I am okay. Actually, more than okay…I am at peace. Just now as I am pausing from writing a paper (no surprise there), I have realized that I have the beginning budlings (new word) of joy sprouting somewhere in the depths of my Laura-self. What a beautiful discovery! I’m not even sure when this “budling” began to sprout, but I am sure of the exact time the seed was planted. (side note: I apologize for the abundant plant analogies. I am sitting right beside my plant Plant [that’s her name] that Morielle and I have had since sophomore year.)

For the absolute first time in my life, I have been learning to live in a state of surrender. Not an unhealthy fatalism or lack of care in the future. I am beginning to realize that 1) God truly loves me 2) Jesus is returning to purify and restore all of creation unto Himself 3) He wants to use my life for His beautiful, life-restoring purposes 4) my life on earth is short and will end soon 5) God is the only true source of value, worth, delight, and joy, and wants us to delight in Him with every fiber of our being. 6) My life is not my own to twist and choose and plan. My story is God’s—the inventor of love and beauty and all goodness and truth. I am a poor, young, fallible, sinful person. I have found myself to be entirely incapable of wisdom in and of myself and have therefore given myself over to the hands that have formed all things; that have knitted together the intricacies of my very soul. My story is His to create and use.

When I was a sophomore in college, I remember a night alone in my dorm room…actually sitting next to this very plant that is currently emoting green and life at me. I was feeling very frustrated with myself for my lack of joy. I cried out to God in the process and immediately after doing so, I opened up an old journal from high school and happened to flip to a page where I had written John 15: 1-11…

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vinedresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and so prove to be my disciples. As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.”

(And again with the plant analogies…also unplanned)

I am learning to abide in God; the source of all life; the living water through which one will never be thirsty again. I wasn’t seeking joy in and of itself in the process, but to my surprise, the subtle tendrils of joy are now beginning to twine around and in and through my inner being. Joy is indeed a subtle elf. And it starts with the giving up of oneself.